Does it even work?

I am forced to question, do all of the things women do to impress men even work? I mean, the endless trips to the beauty shop, the continuous shopping to stay stylish, the make-up, the effort...all of it. Do men even notice or care about all of this?

I mean sure, I know it helps the initial attraction, but do you notice when we change the color of our polish? Or when we have tried a different hairstyle? I'm not saying every little thing, but does it take something hug for him to notice a change?

So is it ok to check his phone?

I know this is a BIG deal in relationships; is it okay to check his phone? And more importantly, is it okay to confront him about it?

See checking the phone is one thing, but when you find something that's not supposed to be there...then you have a predicament. The issue here is: you aren't supposed to be in the phone snooping in the first place, so how are you supposed to ask him about it if you know you were the first one to break the "rules?"

Most of the time women are so infuriated, all of this goes out of the window and the confrontation is unavoidable...but we have to be careful. Now this is not a guide on how to spy, but I will say that if you're going to be in his phone, you have to learn how to control yourself. I say this because once you confront him about it, he'll know you're a snoop and he will begin to live his life and do things accordingly. Such as, deleting information out of the phone (pics, text messages), and a common trick is to store a potential side-piece under a completely different name, usually male to avoid suspicion.

Back to the issue at hand: Are you right to confront him after peeking into his phone? Personally, I say no. I watch my Law & Order enough to know that in the court of law, this "evidence" would be thrown out and if no further evidence was presented, the case would be dismissed. You cannot illegally obtain evidence and then use it against a person. It is wrong. Now if a text message accidentally happened to be sent to you, or a foul message left on your line, then you have probable cause and can definitely bring out the lie detector machine! lol

No but really, I do not believe in all that. I feel like if you feel like you need to be all in the phone in the first place, that is your red-flag right there. RUN! If you're all paranoid and suspicious, your instincts are probably right. He probably is doing something you wouldn't approve of.

So my best friend asks me....

....if I would care more or be more upset if my boyfriend or husband left me for a man, or would it be the equal feeling of betrayal had he decided to be unfaithful with a woman?

Initially I feel like, of course I'd be more upset had it been a man, but either way, he has cheated. But I do have to say that I do think that the shock of finding out that the man I love is not even interested in woman would make me even more angry. I think this is because I would feel like I had been betrayed on more than one level. If he cheated with a woman, I would be very pissed, please believe me, but finding out that not only was he cheating but that it was with someone of this own sex? That would probably send me over the edge. I am aware that it is the same thing to some, cheating is cheating, but that would just be a little different for me. I would not be ok with it either way, but finding out that the man I thought was straight was gay would be a "double whammy," and a little much to handle while simultaneously finding out that he had a lover that was male. That's just my view on things? What about you?

Common Sense

This is what COMMON had to say in a recent interview and it made so much sense and really made me love him even more than I already do:

"That no matter how much you love somebody, you’ve got to love yourself first. If you’re truly loving yourself, you won’t allow some things to go down, and you’ll have boundaries. I was so in love that I gave up certain things about me, and that showed a lack of love for myself."

This is so true! And I feel like so many people really need to realize this. He went on to say that basically he had to experience this to learn that, so I know you really can't tell anyone something like this while they are in the relationship because in order for a person truly learn, they must do so the "hard" way. He was speaking on his relationship to Erykah Badu. Loving yourself is so essential to loving someone else. You cannot really love someone if you don't love yourself. Compromising is one thing, but completely losing yourself is another, and is a direct result of not really loving yourself.

How I'm Feeling.....

Heaven please send to all mankind,
Understanding and peace of mind.
But, if it's not asking too much
Please send me someone to love.

Show all the world how to get along,
Peace will enter when hate is gone.
But, if it's not asking too much,
Please send me someone to love.

I lay awake night and ponder world troubles.
My answer is always the same.
That unless men put an end to all of this,
Hate will put the world in a flame, (oh) what a shame.
Just because I'm in misery.
I'm not begging for no sympathy.
But if it's not asking too much,
Just send me someone to love.

Heaven please send to all mankind,
Understanding and peace of mind.
But if it's not asking too much,
Please send me someone to love.
HMMMMMmmmmmm

"Please Send Me Someone to Love"
-Sade

Just One

It is so hard to be optimistic in the relationship world when all you constantly see is the same thing over and over! I have yet to fall in love, but when I see other people who have done so, and it turns out bad, it's really discouraging. It reminds me of a scene from the movie "Baby Boy" when the mother tell Yvette that love can make you feel so high but at the same it can also bring you down and make you feel so low. It leaves me to wonder is it worth it? Do you have to go through all those hard times and live miserably, just to feel that good moment? Or just to have a few happy times. If the bad is outweighing the good, that should tell you something.....leave. It is so hard to put your trust into someone without that suspicion and lingering thought of infidelity and dishonesty. I know that not all men are like because that's impossible right? Well, you damn sure could have fooled me! I see the same problems in so many relationships! All these guys want to have their cake and eat it, along with the ice cream and strawberries too! It's absolutely not fair, and it is cruel to the woman who is giving her all and bending over backwards to make sure you are happy in the relationship! My main thing is, if you are feeling unhappy or there is a problem, break up before cheating on the side and take the necessary breaks that couples find helpful to an overwhelming relationship. It may not be easy at the time, but it will be much harder in the long run if it is not addressed sooner than later. So just like the quote above: I want one, just one to show me that they're not all the same.....

If he cheats with you......

.....he will cheat on you.

I cannot say that enough. There are so many women out there who do not seem to know their worth, and it really disturbs me. Allowing less than treatment should always be out of the question. If a man or woman seems like they are not giving you their all chances are, they probably aren't. Some of the these women kill me allowing themselves to be the side piece* and thinking that one day the man will eventually come around and make you his main chick. Please wake up and smell the coffee, it is not going to happen. Why do you think that his behavior is exclusive when it comes to you? Why do you think that he is incapable of doing what he was doing to his then girlfriend to you? It's really mind boggling to me. I know that the reason most of the time for allowing this treatment is "I'm in love" but honestly sweetie, that is far from love. That is addiction. Addiction is defined as: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma. Perfect definition to describe the "love" so many claim to be in. In staying in the so-called relationship, you are blocking the real love that may be waiting for you. There is no greater tragedy than a love lost, or the opportunity for love missed because of something as silly as this. Know your worth.

The same applies to the "main chick" who knows she is not being treated as she should. If you are aware of the fact that your mate is not being faithful, and that is not something that you two have agreed on (open-relationship), then sticking around is not going to change anything. I am not speaking for minor indiscretions (which are still unacceptable) but if you are completely aware of the fact that you are being cheated on and you fail to address the problem, but rather sit back and just accept it, that is not ok. If you know that your partner is cheating on you, you are no longer in a relationship, you are in a situaation; and a bad one at that. Ladies, I see it way too much these days, DO NOT allow yourself to be the side chick and DO NOT allow yourself to be mistreated as the main chick. You are worth so much more!

side-piece: mistress; girl on the side